oh dear blog...

I love you and I hate you. I obsess over you and I hide from you. I don't post on you for as long as I can, and that prolongs my misery. When I hide from you I'm also hiding from the scale, and/or trying to make up for lost time so that by the time I post again, I will be in a "better" place.

Tomorrow, I have a life insurance physical. I qualify for life insurance, but just barely, because of my weight. I have challenged myself to get below a break point where my rates would get cheaper within six months, (I don't remember what it is exactly)which is the deadline.

I've avoided you, dear blog, because I was indulging in a downward spiral, and I was ashamed for anyone to know about it. That is not who I am. I will never be content with apathy, so I'd better re-commit.

Love,
Megan

As Expected...

Well, I only gained .2, which means I'm hovering. See yesterday's post for my thoughts. Still on track.

Argh...Fine!

After a chat with my husband, who knows I was backing down and knows I can do better, please disregard some of the previous post. I WILL get myself below that line. I can do it, and I will.

No selling out, no lying down. Catching up isn't going to be easy, but it isn't going to be impossible either.

SO....
1. Food pictures between tomorrow and the weigh-in after that.
2. Exercise log between tomorrow and the next weigh-in (2 cardio, 2 strength)
3. A line paralelling or drawing nearer to my "Happy" line each weigh in after tomorrow.

What the what??? (and blerg.)

I couldn't think of a more appropriate title. The days before the weight went up I was REALLY good. I followed the plan, I exercised like crazy. I gained. I was frustrated, and I fell off the wagon a bit. Not crazy off the wagon, but a bit.

I've been struggling to decide what to think about it, what to hold myself to, and the enormity of my goals. I expect the weight at tomorrow's weigh-in to be up a bit too. We got some bad news at the reproductive endocrinologist, basically that we are both the problem with our fertility. I've been frustrated at how slow my progress is in the face of being really good, and struggling against tracking and being responsible.

So...back to basics.
1. I will photograph all my food this week to help with accountability and tracking, starting tomorrow. I do better when I know I can't hide things.

2. I will not abandon my goals, but I will not hold myself so rigidly to a graph. I find that when I do this, I do fine until I have a little slip-up and then I spend days wringing my hands, feeling guilty, and hiding out. It's not healthy. From now on, every five days, if the graph moves down, I am satisfied.

3. I will work in strength training two times and cardio in at least two times between tomorrow's weigh-in and the next.

Reset.

5-Day Weigh-In

I decided how to look at my progress. Today was another weigh-in. I'm 7.8 pounds down. Continuing progress, but still slower than my original intention. I took stock and realized that my little blue line has continuously gone down, never flat, never up. I'm happy with that.

So...I've made a new black line on my chart. The original line is the "Thrilled" line, and the new one is the "Happy" line. I still want accountability and standards for my weight loss, but the top line represents 40 pounds loss in six months, and the bottom line represents 48 pounds. As long as my line is between the two, I'm happy.

Progress To Date..

I decided to do weigh-ins every 5 days because that was an easy increment for a nifty graph! The straight black line is the theoretical line of where I should be in order to meet my goal, the jagged lighter line is where I am. I'm a little frustrated. I have done absolutely NO cheating, but the progress is so slow.

It's a conundrum...should I adjust my goals? The fertility doctor used the phrase "You've been dealt a different metabolic hand" (than non-PCOS women), meaning that weight loss is expected to be difficult/slow. On the other hand, if I just keep adjusting my expectations of myself, where might it stop? How high should my expectations be?

I'm not doing anything unhealthy, I'm eating enough, and sticking with my dietitian's breakdown of carbs, veggies, proteins, fats, fruit, and dairy. I'm exercising regularly, but not to excess (more on that in the next post).

For now, no decisions. I'm happy that the line is going down. I wish it would go faster. But I did draw a pretty steep line. We'll see.

What am I doing here?

That's a question I've mulling over for the last few days. What will I share? How personal? How many details? I'm still figuring that out, but here's what inspires me right now:


1. Accountability.
Even if few people are looking, if I am posting cold, hard facts about what I am doing, I know from personal experience that I will be more careful during the day regarding food and exercise.

2. Small Successes.
There are areas in my life where I have wanted to make progress for so long, but feel stuck and powerless. These areas include our home, my weight, and growing our family.
In regards to our home, getting our house fixed up in some pretty big, but basic ways such as paint, re-doing the floors, getting insulation, and re-wiring have been on the agenda for years. Money, time, and know-how are the barriers to these.
The weight is pretty obvious, and was the reason for starting this blog in the first place. Adding to our family is a tricky one, and may or may not be related to my weight loss. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome about 3 1/2 years ago, and have more or less avoided learning exactly how it affects me, but it is likely having an impact on my weight and the fact that we have never conceived in over three years of trying. We don't know if my pursuing health in general will make a difference, or how far we would go with fertility treatment, or if adoption is our answer. Money has been the major barrier to all of this. During this time Brian lost one not-so-well-paying-but-fun job, but gained a new job, which could be described as "Potentially high-paying, very exciting, but thus far extremely challenging, often thrilling, very low-paying rollercoaster." We have felt trapped by our financial circumstances for some time. We have plenty to get by the way things are, but losing my income in any way would be disastrous.

3. Relationships
Self-explainatory. Especially the ones that keep me on my toes and point me toward God.



Forward movement in any of these areas will be considered successes. I tend to dwell on my shortcomings, feeling like I have not measured up in some way, and spend time trying to insulate myself from having to deal with these things. I hereby commit to celebrating successes.


Yesterday's Successes:
-Made an appointment with a respected Reproductive Endocrinologist for Brian and I to get some solid answers.
-Ate on plan, even with one meal out.
-Hung out at dinner and soccer with my husband and new friends.
-Got the dog groomed so he will stop filling our house with hair.
Overall, a pretty good day. :)

Resolution: Photo food journal every day for a week, exercise journal for a week.