oh dear blog...

I love you and I hate you. I obsess over you and I hide from you. I don't post on you for as long as I can, and that prolongs my misery. When I hide from you I'm also hiding from the scale, and/or trying to make up for lost time so that by the time I post again, I will be in a "better" place.

Tomorrow, I have a life insurance physical. I qualify for life insurance, but just barely, because of my weight. I have challenged myself to get below a break point where my rates would get cheaper within six months, (I don't remember what it is exactly)which is the deadline.

I've avoided you, dear blog, because I was indulging in a downward spiral, and I was ashamed for anyone to know about it. That is not who I am. I will never be content with apathy, so I'd better re-commit.

Love,
Megan

Argh...Fine!

After a chat with my husband, who knows I was backing down and knows I can do better, please disregard some of the previous post. I WILL get myself below that line. I can do it, and I will.

No selling out, no lying down. Catching up isn't going to be easy, but it isn't going to be impossible either.

SO....
1. Food pictures between tomorrow and the weigh-in after that.
2. Exercise log between tomorrow and the next weigh-in (2 cardio, 2 strength)
3. A line paralelling or drawing nearer to my "Happy" line each weigh in after tomorrow.

What the what??? (and blerg.)

I couldn't think of a more appropriate title. The days before the weight went up I was REALLY good. I followed the plan, I exercised like crazy. I gained. I was frustrated, and I fell off the wagon a bit. Not crazy off the wagon, but a bit.

I've been struggling to decide what to think about it, what to hold myself to, and the enormity of my goals. I expect the weight at tomorrow's weigh-in to be up a bit too. We got some bad news at the reproductive endocrinologist, basically that we are both the problem with our fertility. I've been frustrated at how slow my progress is in the face of being really good, and struggling against tracking and being responsible.

So...back to basics.
1. I will photograph all my food this week to help with accountability and tracking, starting tomorrow. I do better when I know I can't hide things.

2. I will not abandon my goals, but I will not hold myself so rigidly to a graph. I find that when I do this, I do fine until I have a little slip-up and then I spend days wringing my hands, feeling guilty, and hiding out. It's not healthy. From now on, every five days, if the graph moves down, I am satisfied.

3. I will work in strength training two times and cardio in at least two times between tomorrow's weigh-in and the next.

Reset.

Progress, habits, and rewards

I've revised my weigh-in day to Saturday, mostly because I forgot this week...

Progress
Right now I have lost 4.8 pounds of my 48 pound goal. That's 10%! I'm on day 19/185, or 10.27% of the way through the time frame. I'm a little behind. That's ok. It was a little rough in the days leading up to starting the blog, and camp was in there. My goal is still reachable...43.2 pounds to go in almost 24 weeks, the average I would need to lose per week is about 1.82 pounds. Challenging, but do-able.

Habits
The picture I posted above was my breakfast. It was weird as a breakfast, but good as a meal. Chicken sausage, popcorn, broccoli, and cantaloupe. I put it together as a way of getting the nutrients I need, not as what I felt like eating. I've been adjusting to following a plan, whether I'm getting exactly what I would want or not.

Rewards
I've been thinking a lot about how in general, I give myself what I want. That goes for food, clothing, toys, and have not learned to delay gratification very well. This is especially true with desserts. When I drive by that cute Top Pot Donuts Airstream trailer two blocks from my house, or see a cake or box of chocolates at work, I indulge without thinking. If I do that once in a day, I can easily forget and then end up splurging several times in that same day. Other days, I find myself indulging several times in a day, justifying the day as a loss anyway. SO...I decided that I need something to look forward to, and to be proud of. I hereby resolve to not splurge on any desserts until I have lost 10 pounds, at which time, I will (very much) enjoy a donut. This will be different for me, but worth it.