oh dear blog...

I love you and I hate you. I obsess over you and I hide from you. I don't post on you for as long as I can, and that prolongs my misery. When I hide from you I'm also hiding from the scale, and/or trying to make up for lost time so that by the time I post again, I will be in a "better" place.

Tomorrow, I have a life insurance physical. I qualify for life insurance, but just barely, because of my weight. I have challenged myself to get below a break point where my rates would get cheaper within six months, (I don't remember what it is exactly)which is the deadline.

I've avoided you, dear blog, because I was indulging in a downward spiral, and I was ashamed for anyone to know about it. That is not who I am. I will never be content with apathy, so I'd better re-commit.

Love,
Megan

As Expected...

Well, I only gained .2, which means I'm hovering. See yesterday's post for my thoughts. Still on track.

Argh...Fine!

After a chat with my husband, who knows I was backing down and knows I can do better, please disregard some of the previous post. I WILL get myself below that line. I can do it, and I will.

No selling out, no lying down. Catching up isn't going to be easy, but it isn't going to be impossible either.

SO....
1. Food pictures between tomorrow and the weigh-in after that.
2. Exercise log between tomorrow and the next weigh-in (2 cardio, 2 strength)
3. A line paralelling or drawing nearer to my "Happy" line each weigh in after tomorrow.

What the what??? (and blerg.)

I couldn't think of a more appropriate title. The days before the weight went up I was REALLY good. I followed the plan, I exercised like crazy. I gained. I was frustrated, and I fell off the wagon a bit. Not crazy off the wagon, but a bit.

I've been struggling to decide what to think about it, what to hold myself to, and the enormity of my goals. I expect the weight at tomorrow's weigh-in to be up a bit too. We got some bad news at the reproductive endocrinologist, basically that we are both the problem with our fertility. I've been frustrated at how slow my progress is in the face of being really good, and struggling against tracking and being responsible.

So...back to basics.
1. I will photograph all my food this week to help with accountability and tracking, starting tomorrow. I do better when I know I can't hide things.

2. I will not abandon my goals, but I will not hold myself so rigidly to a graph. I find that when I do this, I do fine until I have a little slip-up and then I spend days wringing my hands, feeling guilty, and hiding out. It's not healthy. From now on, every five days, if the graph moves down, I am satisfied.

3. I will work in strength training two times and cardio in at least two times between tomorrow's weigh-in and the next.

Reset.

5-Day Weigh-In

I decided how to look at my progress. Today was another weigh-in. I'm 7.8 pounds down. Continuing progress, but still slower than my original intention. I took stock and realized that my little blue line has continuously gone down, never flat, never up. I'm happy with that.

So...I've made a new black line on my chart. The original line is the "Thrilled" line, and the new one is the "Happy" line. I still want accountability and standards for my weight loss, but the top line represents 40 pounds loss in six months, and the bottom line represents 48 pounds. As long as my line is between the two, I'm happy.

Progress To Date..

I decided to do weigh-ins every 5 days because that was an easy increment for a nifty graph! The straight black line is the theoretical line of where I should be in order to meet my goal, the jagged lighter line is where I am. I'm a little frustrated. I have done absolutely NO cheating, but the progress is so slow.

It's a conundrum...should I adjust my goals? The fertility doctor used the phrase "You've been dealt a different metabolic hand" (than non-PCOS women), meaning that weight loss is expected to be difficult/slow. On the other hand, if I just keep adjusting my expectations of myself, where might it stop? How high should my expectations be?

I'm not doing anything unhealthy, I'm eating enough, and sticking with my dietitian's breakdown of carbs, veggies, proteins, fats, fruit, and dairy. I'm exercising regularly, but not to excess (more on that in the next post).

For now, no decisions. I'm happy that the line is going down. I wish it would go faster. But I did draw a pretty steep line. We'll see.

Progress...

I'm catching up! I have lost 6.4 pounds of my 48 pound goal. That's 13%! I'm on day 26/185, or 14% of the way through the time frame. I'm still a teeny bit behind. That's ok. My goal is even more reachable...41.6 pounds to go in almost 23 weeks, the average I would need to lose per week is about 1.83 pounds.

This Weekend

Fun weekend! Even though Brian was out of town, I managed to go to a movie with girlfriends, go to a soccer game with girlfriends and my mother-in-law, go on a hike with my dog, attend the first session of a financial class, clean house, and exercise!


I took the pup up to Cougar Mountain for a spur of the moment hike. It was fun to explore and get sweaty! Now off to finish cleaning....Brian gets home in 2.5 hours!

Progress, habits, and rewards

I've revised my weigh-in day to Saturday, mostly because I forgot this week...

Progress
Right now I have lost 4.8 pounds of my 48 pound goal. That's 10%! I'm on day 19/185, or 10.27% of the way through the time frame. I'm a little behind. That's ok. It was a little rough in the days leading up to starting the blog, and camp was in there. My goal is still reachable...43.2 pounds to go in almost 24 weeks, the average I would need to lose per week is about 1.82 pounds. Challenging, but do-able.

Habits
The picture I posted above was my breakfast. It was weird as a breakfast, but good as a meal. Chicken sausage, popcorn, broccoli, and cantaloupe. I put it together as a way of getting the nutrients I need, not as what I felt like eating. I've been adjusting to following a plan, whether I'm getting exactly what I would want or not.

Rewards
I've been thinking a lot about how in general, I give myself what I want. That goes for food, clothing, toys, and have not learned to delay gratification very well. This is especially true with desserts. When I drive by that cute Top Pot Donuts Airstream trailer two blocks from my house, or see a cake or box of chocolates at work, I indulge without thinking. If I do that once in a day, I can easily forget and then end up splurging several times in that same day. Other days, I find myself indulging several times in a day, justifying the day as a loss anyway. SO...I decided that I need something to look forward to, and to be proud of. I hereby resolve to not splurge on any desserts until I have lost 10 pounds, at which time, I will (very much) enjoy a donut. This will be different for me, but worth it.

Not Abandoned, Just Busy...

I spent the weekend at summer camp for Northwest REACH, an organization Brian and I have been involved with for quite some time. It was amazing, as it is every year, to work with the staff to deliver a great experience to the families of children with HIV/AIDS.
I had intended to post Thursday before I left for camp, but due to preparations to eat well, (see photo above) I wasn't able. With my low-carb, whole foods diet, coupled with avoiding multiple food allergens and items that make me itch, I knew some planning was in order. In the past, I had fewer issues with foods and was unaware of my peanut/potato/tomato allergy, so I (gladly) ate camp food. Just about everyone who does so ends up gaining weight (these kids are offered 3 meals and 4 snacks a day, so it's really easy to over-eat).
I caved to a few small indulgences here and there, but overall, the weekend was a weight loss/gain neutral. I'm quite satisfied with that.
Since returning home, Brian has been both sick and sidelined with a pretty severe shoulder injury (he probably needs surgery, we'll likely find out in the next week or so)and I've been dumped back into life, so I've been playing catch-up.
Successes: Had labs drawn on Thursday, finding out about them today, I have a reproductive endocrinologist appointment Monday, and I met with my dietitian Wednesday. I played soccer last night. Challenges: I'm still really tired, and I tweaked an old back injury playing soccer last night. Icing, icing, icing...hopefully will be back on track soon.

Today's Eating

 

Breakfast: Brown vegetable fried rice with tofu and egg
Snack: Latte, dates, cashews
Lunch: Nonfat plain yogurt with stevia, roasted almonds, quinoa, 2 small clementines
Snack: 2 oz chicken breast, 1 oz reduced fat cheese, hot sauce
Dinner: Spinach salad with beans, chicken, olive oil and spices, grapes
Snack: Roasted zucchini, olive oil

On Plan!!

What am I doing here?

That's a question I've mulling over for the last few days. What will I share? How personal? How many details? I'm still figuring that out, but here's what inspires me right now:


1. Accountability.
Even if few people are looking, if I am posting cold, hard facts about what I am doing, I know from personal experience that I will be more careful during the day regarding food and exercise.

2. Small Successes.
There are areas in my life where I have wanted to make progress for so long, but feel stuck and powerless. These areas include our home, my weight, and growing our family.
In regards to our home, getting our house fixed up in some pretty big, but basic ways such as paint, re-doing the floors, getting insulation, and re-wiring have been on the agenda for years. Money, time, and know-how are the barriers to these.
The weight is pretty obvious, and was the reason for starting this blog in the first place. Adding to our family is a tricky one, and may or may not be related to my weight loss. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome about 3 1/2 years ago, and have more or less avoided learning exactly how it affects me, but it is likely having an impact on my weight and the fact that we have never conceived in over three years of trying. We don't know if my pursuing health in general will make a difference, or how far we would go with fertility treatment, or if adoption is our answer. Money has been the major barrier to all of this. During this time Brian lost one not-so-well-paying-but-fun job, but gained a new job, which could be described as "Potentially high-paying, very exciting, but thus far extremely challenging, often thrilling, very low-paying rollercoaster." We have felt trapped by our financial circumstances for some time. We have plenty to get by the way things are, but losing my income in any way would be disastrous.

3. Relationships
Self-explainatory. Especially the ones that keep me on my toes and point me toward God.



Forward movement in any of these areas will be considered successes. I tend to dwell on my shortcomings, feeling like I have not measured up in some way, and spend time trying to insulate myself from having to deal with these things. I hereby commit to celebrating successes.


Yesterday's Successes:
-Made an appointment with a respected Reproductive Endocrinologist for Brian and I to get some solid answers.
-Ate on plan, even with one meal out.
-Hung out at dinner and soccer with my husband and new friends.
-Got the dog groomed so he will stop filling our house with hair.
Overall, a pretty good day. :)

Resolution: Photo food journal every day for a week, exercise journal for a week.

Successes

Today, I stuck to the eating plan, exercised, and found a reproductive endocrinologist to figure out why it is that I could gain 80 pounds in five and a half years. That just doesn't sound right. I also decided that one weigh-in day a week is adequate, and probably best since there are little ups and downs. Friday is the day.
All for now. It's bedtime.

Working, working.

It's been quite the weekend. Saturday was a sleep-in day, then a soccer game, then hanging out with a friend to check out a really good vegan restaurant in Capitol Hill, followed by a 3.5 mile walk at Greenlake. The evening turned into all night after my wonderful husband instructed me to let loose a little.
Today (Sunday) I worked, did a Costco and Trader Joe's run, and now am home preparing food for the week. One of the biggest challenges I face is a busy schedule. When I don't plan, I fall off the eating well wagon. More to come...

Start a blog, lose three pounds!

Call it a false negative, or my starting weight a false positive if you want, but I'll take it! It's an auspicious start. Today was soccer day, so I'm writing this late at night...more tomorrow!

Getting Started....

Well, here I am. I'm stepping out, stepping up...reaching out. The opposite of how I usually deal with problems in my life. With the encouragement of my husband, who in return has agreed to step up in some areas in his life, I am forming a committee of friends to hold me accountable in this venture. While I am not quite sure what my posts will hold, I have to start somewhere!

I am currently about 19 pounds lighter than my heaviest weight, which is great, but my progress has been very slow. It's taken me about 15 months. In the last year I find that when I am stressed or sad, I tend to become undisciplined in the areas of my schedule, my finances, and my planning. Meals become haphazard and I end up eating out, or just eating unconsciously.

I need to lose more than 48 pounds, but I'm not sure how much. I have never been at a normal adult weight for a woman my height. I'll have to make further goals after I reach this first one.

I have a plan. I'm working with a great dietitian (who I will name later if she wants me to)who has set up a plan based on number of servings of fat, protien, carbs, dairy, veggies, and fruit. It's doable. Of note, I am dealing with two challenges: food allergies and Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), which I will talk about later.

That's it for now! Here it is. Now, to let my "Committee" know.